November 8th, 2022

 First things first, I'm going to apologize for my outburst before. It was uncalled for and in no way directed at you, or anything you did, said or thought. I'm sorry. I don't think I can say that enough.

I think we both know how much I value our interactions, me most likely more than you. I also want to make it abundantly clear how utterly and profusely thankful for everything you've ever done for me throughout the years.

I might ramble here, but that's a result of the pain from the injury combined with the emotions of the past few...days, or weeks...maybe months(trying not to sound like the Friends theme song).

I...know I'm different than others(understatement). I always tried to view that in a positive light, like, "I'm not gonna fit into anyone's mold, i'm gonna be me."...I thought people were gonna accept me for me and we'd all get along. I see now I was wrong.

I've managed to alienate, ostracize pretty much everyone either because i'm different, or because they don't want to be associated with someone who has bad luck. Apparently even my therapists think this way if Dr. O'Neill is any indication. Hell, I think even Sam is ready to  call it quits on me.  

I'm sorry. Its been a rough year. I'm not happy with my job, i'm not happy with the fact I had kidney stones, i'm not happy with the fact I have PD(even if it brought good people into my life), or the fact I needed surgery(again, even though it brought good people into my life). I'm not happy with the fact I once again screwed up my arm. I'm not happy with the fact I have Asperger's(which I will one day learn how to spell without the aid of spell check), i'm not happy with the fact that the Asperger's is causing such chaos in my life. I'm not happy with my lack of car, or the fact that my family is fractured pretty much beyond repair. And i'm unhappy that i'm essentially spilling my guts out to you. 

You didn't ask for this when you signed on, I know that for a fact. You're a neurologist, a damn great one at that. I remember during that..."thank you day" I believe it was called...people were lining up to talk to you, to meet you. I knew at that point how lucky I was to have you on my side, just like I told you the day I saw you on the street in front of Trader Joe's that I knew I wanted you as my doctor.

I still do. I want you as a buddy to, but, I know, rules are rules and I can't have it both ways. 

I need...I'd like...to keep people around. I don't have many left I can trust or rely on, or even talk to. Not even about the non-heavy stuff. It doesn't always have to be about PD or this girl or that. I genuinely care about whats going on with other peoples lives...they just don't open up to me, so i'm left to fill the void. I don't want to fill that void with "whats up?" I genuinely want to know the secrets of the universe with people. I'm not on this world for as long as others will likely be. I know that the PD might not kill me, but it, in essence gives me faster running clock. I don't want to waste time, I want uo maximize it.

Thats probably why i'm impatient, I guess I just didn't realize it.

Again, i'm sorry. If I crossed any lines, i'm sorry for that...but it had to be said. If you want to drop me, I get it. I do. I...don't want that though. You're important to me. I don't know, i'm babbling. Im sorry. Just, please, don't give up on me...it...gahhhhhh. Its your call. You'll do whats right. You always do.

Thank you.