Dec. 11, 2:35am

The left hand&arm are very tight because I'm still up. Why am I up? Is it because I'm a night owl? Maybe....probably. Is it because it's Christmas season and I was baking till 1am? Also maybe/probably. Is it because I'm depressed and lonely? Absolutely.

Since I left the office Weds evening I've been in a slow spiral. 

It started off realizing that the visits are maybe going to start being spaced out more...which means less time in the city, less time with my favorite doctor ever, less time with my favorite medical team, favorite front desk staff and hell...less time in one of my favorite parts of the city. I don't want to lose that. Even if I somehow manage to meet me people,they wont compare. I like you. It's sad&kind of twisted that I enjoy meeting with you...just not the reasoning for it.

Same goes for Sam and all my PT people....I'm thrilled to - in an odd way call them friends, and to in some cases have even interacted with them outside of PT, but I'll likely be forever tied to them medically. Though my old PT before, I did manage to make a damn good friend out of once I finished treatment(I even subjected him to be in my Xmas card once), but that was only for an injury, not a lifelong illness.

I wish things were different in a way, but I don't know if I would have crossed paths with everyone I now have if I hadn't gotten this diagnosis. So again, in some tweaked way, I guess I'm thankful maybe? 

Then I started thinking about Dr. O'Neil. She's been the most helpful therapist I have ever, ever had. She's not soft on me, she's real, she's honest. She challenges me, and I really like that. 

I don't want it to end. Hell I want to see her more. More than once a month anyway. But she doesn't and I don't know why. I'm not willing to start over with someone else, not again. She's had such a positive effect on me and I don't think she understands it. She's on my team. I don't want to lose my team. Not now. Not ever. I was making positive strides and ever since she told me she wants to end it, it feels like losing someone to a death, it's that painful.

This is another reason I hang on to you. I lose. I lose everything and everyone over ever seemingly cared about. A lot more in recent years than I can bear. This is why I have a practical stranglehold on the people and things I still have...to the point it makes them feel uncomfortable. If I've done that... I'm sorry, but know you know why. 

I've always loved hugs. One of my favorite memories was from like a decade ago when I was working in my campuses student center. It's where the food hall,radio station&student organizations were. I was doing my rounds when at the end of a long hallway, I saw my friend Zara(nickname Zucchini...I actually hate zucchinis but it worked with her first name so there haha.). I hadn't seen her in months,even though we both lived on S.I, we were just on different schedules. Me&her were as platonic as a guy &girl friendship got&we liked it that way. So she saw me,dropped her bags &ran,full speed,headlong toward me. I did the same. Now she's 5'7 or so,maybe 130,so not big,but not small,she has a good head of steam going at this point. She tackle hugs me to the floor. To this day,my ribs still hurt,but it was one of the best hugs I ever got. Me&her haven't spoken in years& I think she's in San Diego but it's still a favorite memory.

Me and my father don't hug anymore and I don't know why. I get the shoulder rub and that's it. Things have just have just changed. The last hug I had before Weds was my aunt on Thanksgiving. Before that? Who knows. 

It's a weird thing, but I guess I'm touch-starved if Tumblr proves anything (yes i'm still on Tumblr, it's better than facesuck and insta shit). I crave human contact. It doesn't have to be sexy (though I wouldn't mind that haha), I just want to know I'm...I want to know people genuinely enjoy my company in any way...not that I'm but just being...."put up with."

I have issues, I get it, but damnit, I don't think I'm a bad person. I'm just...packaged differently I guess. I try being honest most times& I wear my emotions on my sleeve a lot. I guess people don't like that or aren't used to it coming from a guy. I dunno. I'm a different kinda guy...that's an understatement if ever there was one. 

These are some of my reaching thoughts on this evening. Maybe I should have put this in the other, main blog. Maybe you won't even read this. Maybe you'll skim it. I might never know. I'm always curious as to how you actually view me. Curious but terrified. Maybe I don't really wanna know. I think the answer would maybe upset me...or maybe I'd like it? Who knows.  I need to get my camera back in my hands again and start making inspiration. 

I've rambled again far too long.