Jan. 27, 2023 - 12:31AM

 You got it right. I'm a night owl. 

I was doing ok until Thursday, the 19th I think? I was at PT and did my first real power walk/extremely light jog on the treadmill but I didn't feel all the way there...I should have realized it wouldn't since it was my first real extended run type situation since before the surgery....But I didn't. I got frustrated, and got my portable Medtronic DBS Controller(Gotta think of a nickname for that.) and that's where I think I really messed up.

I don't remember what exactly I did, but I don't think I did it right, because I just feel off since then, and here's the thing, everyone else thinks I'm fine, especially yesterday when I was in the Q-Lab at Sinai West. They seemed impressed. And yes, I feel a significant change, even since our last visit, a good one in fact. Everything YOU especially have done for me has helped...I just feel like I haven't helped you, Dr. O'Neill, Sam and the rest of the team. Busting my elbow didn't help, that's for sure.

They both still hurt, and at times still feel like they're gonna go out of socket...not as much as earlier in the month, maybe I'm just being extra cautious. I just fear at some point they'll become unusable and I'll need robot arms.

The meds though, I think they're working. Since I screwed with the settings, my fingers tremor and lock a lil, but everything else feels better. Sort of.

My mood took a dive off a cliff when Dr. O'Neill told me she was pregnant...I'm ecstatic for her...really, I am. I am. 

But...she prefaced it with the obvious...that she's gonna be on break for a bit. Add that to hers and mine already way too spaced out schedule...I feel like I'm losing her. Which sounds odd, but you know how I feel about loss, my team & so on. (Please don't get pregnant again....hahahaha)(Obvious joke.)(Please, please don't hate me for that)(You can do whatever you want. Your body, your choice. I'm 1,000,000% pro choice, Women's rights, not my body-not my damn business)...

I don't want to lose her care for reasons I already told you about. Same reason I don't wanna lose you, Sam, Dr. Panov(Who I barely see which saddens me greatly.), Bobby at the Q-Lab...Ugh. repeat.

Tonight...well yesterday........hmm.....the 25th, was my fathers retirement party. You already know the awkwardness between me and him on a good day, and me on...well...any day...now throw in 20+ of his now former co-workers, my aunt, my cousin(yep, him), and my fathers stuck up partner. Most of the night, even though I was dreading it, went...ok. Till the speeches started. Then I realized how alone I really am again. In the about...4 or 5 speeches made, everyone made reference to his partner, his sister, his nephew and....that's it. Wow. I think one person made a passing reference to me as, "Additional family." Wow. I'm lower tier than a garden gnome. 

His partners son showed up, freshly home from his time teaching in India, which is fine I guess, and she couldn't stop talking about it, which is fine, she's his parent. She talks about her other kid, who's some hotshot train inspector in California. Then my father started praising them and I felt even lower. Wow did I feel like a loser. Then she reminded me of how I don't know about money because I don't have a working car and can't afford the one I want(I actually can technically, I have the cash, but if I got it, It'd be hard to keep up with insurance with my current income, but that's a story for another day.)

Then I tried talking and my voice struggled, and it dawned on me, its felt weak, not hoarse, scratchy or sore, just weak - a lot lately. I also felt like I have been talking so fast I trip over my own words, something my neighbor pointed out to me a few years ago, but I haven't been able to fix. We tried speech therapy, it worked &didn't, and insurance became a big issue and the visits had to stop, which obviously didn't help things. I'd like to try again, but I hate dealing with the gaps, so maybe I'll check YouTube &see if I can find anything. I want to start a podcast with you and Dr. Niotis, but till I sort out this issue, I think that's a backburner idea.

The Looking Up Project...seems to have kinda been given a greenlight? I spoke to Whitney Cortes and I got the sense Sinai isn't gonna do too much to help, which they really don't need to, but they're also not gonna do anything to really impede, which is a giant relief. An artist friend from Texas who is also pretty damn good with artist rights and legal matters had said I basicially needed to fill out tons of forms and start a 503c Charity and all this other stuff that made my head spin. All I want do is take photos of people, put em' in a gallery, then a book, raise a lot of money for your chosen places/peoples/departments&shes saying I can only take a certain percentage of the profits...like...if I can get maybe 3-4% even if that ends up being $30 &the place(s?) get $30,000, I'm ok with that. I'll know it went to the right places. 

Going forward, this&my hopeful eventual Road-Trip project are the 2 passion projects that I think will define me. I don't want to just survive, I want to thrive.

You mentioned your brother and family a few weeks ago. Not to pry, but....yea, I'm going there since I know very little about you...and you already know....enough about me to write 9504 reports on(feel free, by all means. I'm serious.) 

Tell me what it was like for you as a kid. Tell me about your best day as a doctor and if you want, your worst. Tell me what keeps you going on the tough days. Tell me how you overcame fears...Or not. Up to you. You can reply in person or in the comments or not at all if I pressed to hard(not my intent, just don't want it to be all about me& I figure we're friendly enough, but I can totally be misreading it.)(I just figured...i'd give it a try. I'm dumb, you can punch me in the face