July 23, 2023, 4:42PM

Like they said in the Limp Bizkit song...uh...I don't remember the title because I wasn't a huge Limp Bizkit fan, but I remember the lyrics saying, "Everything is fucked, everybody sucks." 

Well the first part is more accurate than the second. 

First up, symptom update. The left side is more stiff than it has been, but I didn't really start to notice it until sunday morning at work, and ever since I kinda feel like I've been moving like a slo-mo video. 

I did have some minor toe curling too but I moved through it.

My voice has become, in my mind more of a problem. After re-watching the video we did, and just analyzing how I talk to my neighbor, the Aides and Sam at PT, and my friend from OR. on a Google Meet(Screw MS Teams and zoom), i've noticed 2 things. What I have planned to, and think I will say in my head vs, what actually comes out are 2 entirely different things. This and the fact I speak way too fast and low are problematic. I dunno if this is entirely PD related, but it is something i'm more aware of post-op. Maybe i'm more self aware?

Last direct symptom related item is, the chest scar thing where the battery pack is...its gotten rather itchy...I still haven't been able to touch or look at it(but yes, i keep it clean. I got a loofa or whatever its called and i just close my eyes or look away when i'm getting dressed.)(Yes, I know, I have issues, more on that in a moment.)Is this normal? Maybe its my bodies way of saying, "Happy birthday DBS scar!" My heads been itchy too. 

Now onto the issues...this Flora thing. Its dominated my mind since it happened on tues. and Dr. Perez is on vacation till thurs.(Dr. Figee answered her email but he's been...chilly with me in the past, plus I don't want to explain the whole thing to someone who might not see me or my thoughts more than once.) I know this isn't your specialty, or focus, but you know me...perhaps better than most anyone except Sam(who comes back from vacation and celebrates her birthday today)...

I messed up with her. 

How this is either making my PD symptoms worse, or the PD is making IT worse, or both?

I lost at love, again. I'm 41, living in my fathers basement, driving his car because mine doesn't work and the one I want and can afford is harder to find than a rat-free subway station. I have this disease that, in all likelihood will eventually be my end, I hate my job, and they hate me and every other job i've applied for never gets back to me(I checked my NYCjobs - city agency jobs - profile, since 2014, i've applied to 74 jobs and received a call-back once letting me know I wasn't hired. This after working with the RUSK institute and noting on my cover letter I was applying under the cities disability program, which apparently means nothing.), I guess this means I have no talent. I push people away to the point of which my only friends are...well....y'know

I don't know what my purpose is other than to be the universes punching bag, and if that's it, then what kinda life is that? I just want to be happy dammit.