April 2nd, 2024, 2:47 am

I think you knew this post was coming, so I want to address some non directly PD related things first. 

You can disclose any of this to Giselle, Shannon, Kat or Dr. Palmese, Consider this my signing of informed consent to that, either officially or unofficially.

It's a hope that this will not contain too many " I " statements, because this is mainly about you.

This is being written this late because it's keeping me up. Can't sleep, but when its sent & read is an answer for another time. 

Here's hoping your trip goes as well as possible given the circumstances that you told me about. The anguish and uncertainty are bad, as is knowing what the likely outcome will be. There's just no way around it, it sucks. 

Do not let anyone invalidate your emotions, they're yours and you have every right to feel what you feel, so if someone says something like, "He would want you to do this or that..." You have every right to punch them.

Saying,"I've been there too,"or, "I know how it feels because I've lost someone too," never works because everyone is different and processes grief differently. The best thing we can hope for is that there will be a shoulder to cry on, a hand to guide us into the future, and to be around those who make us laugh, love and be happy. 

Not to backtrack on that too much, when my mom passed away in 2003, that day, we had tons of people come over and offer condolences, all polite and such, but later that night, my friend Gina came by and just sat with me on my front lawn for hours. Neither of us said anything or did anything, and it was before cell phones were everywhere, so we literally just sat in silence. She put her arm around my shoulder, and that was the sign that, while things were terrible then, eventually, the next day will come, the sun will rise and we will make it through. That was the best thing anyone did for me during that time, just being there. Hopefully you will have someone like that. 

I'm so, so, so sorry you have to go through this, and that you feel you need to compartmentalize it. You're human, and you're allowed to have emotions and feelings around others(especially me!), it doesn't make you weak, and it's not unprofessional, it makes you real, and the world needs that. It needs more people like you. As Margaret Mead once said, “Never believe that a few caring people can’t change this world, for indeed that’s all whoever have.” 

I'd like to apologize for my reaction when you told me the GREAT news of your upcoming addition. I acted entirely selfishly. It was wrong of me, and I'm obviously ecstatic for you. I let my anxiety &fear get the better of me, and I'm sorry. 

Other than maybe Sam, you know how my brain works better than anyone(a neuro joke& true statement). Hell the two of you probably know it better than even Giselle or Shannon. My fears, history& anxiety. It's just...I really value my time with you, you're a tremendously likeable person& I've lost so damn much...that I don't have the capacity left to handle losing someone else& I just saw you going away like Shannon(among others...yep,crying again,better than monday when I was the weirdo bawling on Lafayette St.). Yes, I'm emotional, but my thinking is it's better to get this out than to hold it in& boil over eventually.

You once told me,"You're never going to lose me - never."...Did you mean that?

I know, I know we can't predict the future, however, it seemed like when you were trying to reassure me you were coming back, there was a small hint of doubt or hesitation it. All I ask is the non sugar coated truth. The bitterest truth is better than the sweetest lie.

It's just soul-crushing seeing everyone going forward in life; starting or increasing families, starting new jobs, taking vacations, running races, seeing friends - when it's a struggle for me to get out of bed sometimes because of lack of motivation. I have all these plans& ideas and a bucket list and i'm stuck "working" a job I hate, living at home with this disease that'll eventually render me unable to move& I wonder why i'm single and alone. 

There's zero doubt you're my doctor first. But you're not just a doctor to me as ya know, and Fuck the Hippocratic oath(which is outdated&sexist anyway,I've researched that& the AMA Journal Of Ethics long before we met...I had lots of free time on my hands at one point,but more on that later.), you're my FRIEND. A smart one at that. I'm confident saying that. If you feel otherwise that's your right. But know that you're doing me zero harm. Zero. You've never coerced me into anything& I trust you unequivocally. I'm of sound body,mind &judgement in that statement. 

Now...Are you nervous for #2? Or is this like, "oh, i did this already." Any weird cravings? Got any names yet? (pick one that's easy to find on a bicycle license plate), When did you find out? How'd you know that I knew? I also wanna say, if you can deal with me the way you deal with youngsters, you've already proven you're a damn great parent. You've got this, and if you'll let me...and this is crazy, i'd like to help in anyway I can. Seriously.

As to my symptoms, The leg tremor came back a lil on the left side tuesday and the hand and arm snapping as well. The right side is mostly ok, though I did damage another toenail when i had the curling monday, which has since stopped.