Tuesday May 14 2024

   By now, you've likely talked with Dr. Jimenez -Shahead so you know all of the changes she did. It was tough& arduous... and different. Not good, not bad, but different. She's not you. I dunno.

She's very nice.

I guess I just got into a good groove working with you &Joan and kinda...I dunno...is it weird to say I miss going to a doctors office..? 

I got the sense she's as frustrated as everyone is. I left her office feeling... A bit discouraged, a bit hopeful, a bit tied, a bit nervous... and a bit confused. 

Discouraged because I knew(and I was right sadly) that within an hour or two of leaving her office, whatever changes she& her assistant made would fade like it always seems to do lately. I just don't get what my body wants out of me. 

I think I remember her saying something about the Parkinson's overpowering the DBS? I'm very sure I misheard that, or at least misunderstood it, because that's... Not possible is it? Haha. Figures I'm the philosophers stone for yet another medical anomaly that no one can solve. 

I'm hopeful though because of people like you. You taught me to keep fighting. Thank you for that. Thanks for not giving up on me yet. I know I have to work on things, things that are beyond PD related too, and I'm trying, it's just hard. 

I'm nervous because I still don't know what any of this means& it's hard to retain so much information. I don't know what an "STN" even means(sexy time now? Subway to Narnia?)... But Ive heard it a few hundred times the past few years. I'm nervous because it feels like in a small way, no one believes what this is doing this to me. I try laughing through it partly, but I'm getting more scared as time ticks by.

I think I'm extra introspective tonight because I'm still thinking about yesterday. It seems like more so than in previous years mother's day was jammed in my face like,"hey you're not going to celebrate this anymore& wer'e gonna be sure to remind you all day& the next. You're gonna be reminded of all the bad things now." That's how it feels. 

How was your trip? 

How's your pop? 

How is the rest of the family? 

How's the mini you²? Did you settle on a name yet? I remember you saying Elizabeth but were unsure about nicknames. 

Please tell me you're giving yourself time to feel things? You're allowed to scream, cry& be angry remember. Even if you wanna do it to me. I'll be your punching bag, sounding board, whatever ya need. I owe you that much at least. ( Can ya tell I'm desperate for human interaction? I'd befriend a republican at this point as long as they weren't on the side of El fucko the cheese mound.)

I worry about you. Hell, I worry about TV newscasters, but I worry about you too. It's one of Superman's classic problems(I'll wait for the eyeroll haha)... Even He can't be everywhere at once. I can't protect those I care about at all, but that's all I want to do. Kinda wish I could gather up everyone I cared about and put you all in safe refuge so everyone could enjoy life protected from all outside harm.

You're still human. I know you're a ripped 48 ft tall Amazon warrior princess, but even they have to be... Themselves for at least a lil bit.

One thing I don't like is when people feel like they need to hide their feelings. Then the world becomes a sterile shade of gray. 

This is another reason I don't watch sports anymore. All they say &do is what their corporate overlords pump into them. No ones authentic anymore. No one gets mad for finishing second. They just shrug& thank a million sponsors. 

I wanna see raw emotion, real Passion, true joy. Then I know the person is... There. Thank you for being at least a lil real with me. I hope it continues, but most importantly, I hope you are happy, genuinely. Let's keep this train rolling on the right track.