Saturday March 22, 2025, 12:05 am

Sorry to bug you with my insanity,really I am...But I'm in a slightly manic/anxious/annoyed state now.

Got an email from Lauren,who basically regurgitated a list of places&names I've tried many times before finding Dr. O'Neill,who as we know,id rather see. 

Lauren didn't know this,but honestly it pissed me off. I very, very, much want to stay in the Mount Sinai system,especially with Dr. O'Neill. She knows my history,she's super effective,I'm very comfortable with her& I don't want to start over with sometime else again. I really don't. Plus it's easier for her to communicate with Dr. Panov& you& anyone else on the team. Also Especially since I'm supposed to be starting Buspar this week. 

It was hard for me to find a groove with Giselle& find her trustworthy& let her in.

This is exactly why I'm always worried about you or Sam leaving me...Giselle even said a few weeks ago she wouldn't&now bam. It's like it was with O'Neill,Dr. Shikeh,Dr. Kleinoffsky,Dr. Deegan and Severt& Sonya&all my friends who've gone in the past few years. I keep pushing people away lose em or both.

You're a great,brilliant,Wonderful,talented,caring,intelligent&fun person. Sam is a terrific,dedicated,smart&excellent person too. You 2are pretty much all I got left who are close to getting what I'm going through. Now you see why I'm afraid. This is why I have trust issues& I hate it. 

Dr. O'Neill got me go to Brooklyn when I was afraid to leave my house,she got me unafraid of the number 13. She helped me talk to people,encouraged me to be creative&to run again. She's the single must effective therapist I've ever had& I've had around well over 45 since elementary school to Giselle. I counted. I dunno if she secretly hates my guts, is sick of me or what,but,as you know,when I find someone I like, I tend to hold on to them for dear life. 

I'll cling like a barnacle to a100year old ship. I will all but pee on a leg.(not really,but you get my point.) I'll be more loyal than any dog or Italian gangster. You know this. 

I got used to Giselle. Then I started to trust her&now that's shot. I don't know what she's going through& Im genuinely sorry that it's got to the point of which she had to leave. Hell, I want to help her but I know I can't, I know that's a boundary line I can't cross.  She wouldn't let me even if I could. 

I just want structured normalcy,especially with the meds situation as tenuous as it currently is. I've had zaps all day& I'm supposed to start Buspar&stop the Paxill Weds& she already switched that appointment to video(I hate video),which was going to be our 2nd to last. 

So with all due respect to Lauren...That list ain't gonna work at all for me. It's not Sinai& I've tried so many of those places&names that I felt sick when I saw them. They either never had openings,just didn't fit,didn't call me back,or had insurance issues. I found something special with Sinai. I know its not the best ever,but for me...it works.

Again,I'm sorry for the rant but when I saw that list she had,I freaked out&thought,"Oh my gosh,this person doesn't know me at all." I needed to stand up for myself...or something like that. I'm sorry.