Sunday, April 6th,7am

So I've been up for about 2 hours now. I have not been sleeping well. I've only been on the melatonin for 2ish days now and I start the 200mg of Wellbutrin tomorrow morning.

I think the nightmares have stopped, but the vivid dreams are still happening and don't seem to have any connection. But I'm remembering them longer. 

This Dr. O'Neill/therapy/Lauren trying to help mess isn't making anything better. So she only wants to do group therapy..once a month? Great. Lauren keeps offering suggestions that just don't pan out( for example, she keeps saying "telehealth"which can be convenient from time to time,but I do want to get out more...of course then she suggests Columbia... Which is 3 hours one way, so I'm getting 2 extreme ideas)& it's not her fault but it's frustrating. Then Dr. Figee comes down from the mountain & agrees with me that staying in the Sinai system is the "absolute best idea,"but says a replacement for Giselle is easily 2 months out. Well I'll count on that with all the healthcare cuts... 

What am I supposed to do in the interim? And what happens if this new person isn't a good fit? I'm supposed to put all my eggs in their basket and if they don't work, I'm up a I'm up a creek without a paddle again? Seems like a ton of pressure on them and me. I hate playing this card, but, hell..."I have Parkinson's, isn't there supposed to be better care available to me?" Yeah, that felt dirty saying it.

It's the same thing I always say,"everyone says mental health is super important, especially with Parkinson's, but when I ask for it, they run for the hills."

This makes my symptoms worse. I tried doing another 1 mile run Friday afternoon and had to walk-run it after .25 miles because the left leg felt like it was galloping ahead of me. The foot was slamming down on the ground hard, which was new. Minor toe curling. Have tremor has subsided a lot but not totally. Fingers are still rigid. Mouth is still a bother, but I see Brad again the 21& Rachels dentist a week from Monday.

I just want to get better and fast. I don't like being like this. Do you have any idea how fucked up it is to know I am an adult with my own means of transportation and opt to sit in the couch instead? Or to have access to a library of photo books and equipment and have a degree in it and flat out opt to stay in bed instead?

I guess not. But that's not a dig at you or anyone else. It's on me.