Sunday, Sept. 4, 2025,1:49 am

Before I worry you, know that I messaged Giselle about this before I messaged you& I have an appointment with her Monday afternoon at 3.

It's 6am Sunday morning as I write this& in alone on my couch in the living room of my house trying to fend off a panic attack. cant sleep. Everything is rushing in my head. 

 

Im not getting better with anything. My anxietys at an all time high,my PD symptoms are worse than ever. Forget running,I don't think I'll ever be able to again...I can barely walk a block or2normally now to I feel like I'm kinda being pulled back still. My back hurts a lot more now& my arms feel like they're gonna go out of their socket. 

Sometimes it's hard to get the motivation to leave the house. It's horrible living this way, I hate the fact that I'm over to fight this thing, I'm supposed to be more active and exercise more and my body still fights me back and says,"nope, we're going to make it so you can't walk long distances anymore. Now sir in the couch and watch this YouTube video on What is like to be a cook in the"Star Wars" universe you lazy loser."

My voice is hoarse& I still trip over my words&my jaw gets sore. Despite the work Ive been doing with Brad.

I want to be around people but I'm afraid of what they'll think of me. I've kinda given up on ever finding a girl. I'm 43, barely working, living in my parents basement. I'm literally a stereotype.

 

I'm worried about my aunt solely for the reason shes approaching 90. I'm worried about my dad because he's 80 now&looked at me funny yesterday,almost like he froze mid thought. 

I'm worried I won't be able to work NYCC I'm a few weeks. I'm worried about not being able to function on my own, which I very much want to. Im afraid this is gonna kill me or render me unable to function. Im scared. I don't want to die alone.