Mon, October 6, 2025, 11:05 pm

 First of all, thank you again for dealing with me, especially on kinda short notice. And thanks for working on me. And being on my team, and just in general, thanks for being you.

It was tough getting down to REI on Houston St. I almost ripped my elbow out walking down subway stairs due to loss of balance on the way home. Trunk was rough too, and the Lft leg was sluggish.

I want to try and explain the "why" it is the way I am. Why I'm so scared of losing you you as a person. As you know, i've lost a lot. My mother, my cousin, all my grandparents. I've pushed away good friends because of my Asperger's/Autism/Whatever. I've lost the ability to trust my body-  my arms especially. I spend a lot of time lately, alone.

I know you've told me repeatedly you're not going anywhere&most of me believes that. It's just the nagging 10-15% of my mind that tells me, "she's just like your old friend Michelle," who was essentially my older sister, her family was mine, etc. Well, she and I haven't spoken in 4 years. I pushed Sarah(Ohio girl) away. Dr. Deegan went away. I suppose its just, when you find someone you connect with - you click with, you don't want them to go away, regardless of how you know them. I'm so fearful from past experience that it makes the pull, or hold that much tighter. 

It's scary losing all that, I think because I knew I'd eventually get old &lose certain abilities, just not like this, not this fast. You &Sam have been the ones who have seen me through this the most, and I don't think you understand how much that means to me. I "hero worship" at your"altar" because you deserve it. You're great at what you do. So when I hear you talk about other doctors, it A: makes me think you don't believe in yourself and/or B: I've pushed too hard. 

If its "B", ill hold back. I'm, as you know, someone who wears their emotions on their sleeve. If its "A", stop that right now. This was never gonna be easy, and nothing worth wanting ever comes easy. And it is not a reflection on you, Rachel, Joan, Evan, anyone. 

And yeah, I consider you friends, which I know I'm not supposed to, but I also consider, Sam, Lizette, and Rachel friends too. I've always said the Hippocratic Oath needs to be reworked in some ways anyway. I know we're never all gonna go hang out at a diner though. You're all not that kinda friend. I guess I'm ok with that.(I love a good diner meetup, especially if the pie is good. It has to be cherry or lemon meringue though. Apple is homemade only& Steve's is the go-to for Key Lime. A good diner chat can change the universe.)(There's more of that Asperger's/Autism.) 

Doctors move on. It happens, I guess. Hell, you could pack up &go back west and nothing I say or do could impact that. I'd be foolishly selfish to think I could influence any decision you make. I'm just the guy living in the basement with a bunch of cameras and a wardrobe of green clothing.

When I got the first diagnosis, I was left in a room &forgotten. When I attempted to talk to numerous PCP's, I got one word, uninterested answers with their backs turned to me. Then you guys walk into my life and change the narrative so completely, no one else will measure up to it. You all make the world less alone. I know, I need to talk to Giselle about this. And I will.

I think I can hold off seeing Dr. Jimenez-Shahead till Dec when the move happens, so that way, you'd for all intents, be right down the hall&could hear the info quicker...kinda like the visits with you&Joan, but its your call, or her schedules. (I Still request first visit, even if its a 9am one. I wanna break it in.)

Will Rebecca and Natalya& the rest of USQ be coming? Will you be getting a window private office again? Will you get your own exam room or will it be like it is now, where you get a different room each day? Will this be the last move for the foreseeable future, or is it gonna be next Dec, that we go to 98th st, since it seems like this is the new thing?) 

Song in my head: "Mz. Hyde" - by Halestorm(Look up Lzzy Hale[yes thats how she spells it], she's amazing. For a metal singer,she does an incredible cover of Alicia Keys, "Empire State of Mind.)